


Lucky You, Lucky Lucky Me

by orphan_account



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Healing, Holidays, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-11 11:40:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15971582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: i just wanted them to go on holiday but now its angsty





	Lucky You, Lucky Lucky Me

**Author's Note:**

> pls appreciate that i only used new zealand as a holiday destination because i know what it looks like thank u 
> 
> also i didnt proofread this and im 90% sure its just me projecting so its super ooc but i just want more people to love and appreciate kevin day and all he's done to try and heal himself :(

Morning was creeping over the hills of South Carolina, spilling sunrise into rooms with uncovered windows. It was a brisk day, predictably. The weather had been showing off all week, a welcome change from the breezeless Summer and the too warm Fall.

It had been a sober night for the Foxes. Study and relaxation and lazy kisses were on the agenda for those who cared to partake. Nicky spent a considerable amount of time skyping Erik with the door locked. Neil and Andrew were sharing cigarettes on the roof. Aaron was in Katelyn's car, backseat, letting the windows fog up and record his handprints.

Kevin was in his bed. Staring. Thinking. Sober; drunk on fantasies. Neon orange on dark skin. Hands in his hair. Him and Thea, somewhere quiet, somewhere far away. It was a sigh after a hard day. It was a dream that he couldn't reach.

On any other day, Kevin wouldn't mind the ribbing he was used to recieving from his team. He was able to brush it off and focus on Exy, or history, or something worth his time - unfortunately, a side-effect of good counselling ended up being a newfound vulnerability.

"This is okay, Kevin," Bee had told him. He felt like she didn't really want him in there. "This means you're allowing yourself to relax. Be yourself. Who were you before you put your walls up?"

"I was eight-years-old," he whispered. "I wasn't anybody."

Bee had pursed her lips. Kevin didn't look at her for the rest of the session.

A flyaway comment had been thrown at him that warm day, though, along the lines of his Stockholm Syndrome and relentless grief. It had hit him harder than expected. He'd dissociated, almost on the spot, and taken himself away from the stadium, only figuring out where he was when Andrew was storming through Kevin's bedroom door. There was a lecture there, about hardening up and losing the cowardice that kept him tied to Riko.

In a small voice, one he hadn't heard in 14 years, Kevin asked: "What makes you better than Riko?"

Andrew very nearly faltered. "I don't have the narcissism," he'd replied.

"No," Kevin agreed. "So, what's the point?"

Andrew had fled to the roof since then, which left Kevin in his bed. Staring. Thinking.

Who was he, if not a coward? If not a lover? If not a son? What part of his personality could he sell to others? After all, he might have been vulnerable, but he was far from kind. Perhaps he was still the child he'd been raised to be - stubborn, isolated, famed.

Kevin thought about this and wanted to burn the idea to the ground.

×

_"_ _Kevin, it's Thea. Hey, I know you're busy and all, but...I-I miss you. A lot. Call me, okay?"_

_"Thea, hey. It's Kevin. Sorry, I missed your call. It's been kinda rough lately. I miss you, too. Heaps. Call me, we'll schedule a videocall. Love you."_

_"Hey, it's Thea. Sorry, I was asleep. I would really love to see your face again. I hope you're okay, Kev. You sound a little off. Love you, too. Nerd."_

_"Hey. I'm doing okay. I just...need you. Call me tomorrow, after 3. I promise I'll pick up this time. I miss you."_

_×_

Kevin's sessions with Bee were fraught and awkward, mostly because Kevin was fraught and awkward.

This, though, was a new low.

"Do I annoy you?" Kevin asked.

Bee stopped pouring her tea for a moment. The action - or absence of such - was enough to set something close to anxiety off. Suppressing alarm bells and internal shrieks, Kevin did his best to maintain composure.

"How do you mean?" Bee responded.

"I mean, do you get sick of me always having the same problems?" Kevin elaborated, feeling close to throwing up. Or sobbing. Or both.

He half-expected and prepared for Bee to drop her cup of tea and let her head fall into her hands, diagnose himself as 'useless' and kick him out. The better part of Kevin's brain knew that this would never happen. That part was far quieter than the former, though.

When Bee stood up and walked to sit beside Kevin, the shaking in his hands, body, _everywhere_ was no longer so easy to conceal. He felt Bee scrutinising him and chanted _t_ _his is not Riko this is not Riko_ in his head.

"Kevin, although you may think you're bringing forth the same issues every week, I assure you - this is not the case." She placed one hand on his arm. "You have complex trauma to untangle. You were betrayed and hurt and abandoned by people you loved, all throughout your life. I am not here to tell you to get over it. No one is going to tell you to get over it."

But Kevin saw Andrew and Aaron, complaining about his anxiety and spitting at his grief; saw Neil scowl at the way Kevin relived the memories of the Nest down the neck of a vodka bottle; saw the Upperclassmen looking at him with contempt whenever he panicked at an Exy event that was shared with the Ravens.

Kevin laughed.

He laughed harder when Bee frowned.

He laughed until he was doubled-over, gasping for air, shrieking.

He laughed until he was panicking. He didn't remember the car ride home.

×

_"You said you would pick up. I guess you're busy, but this is as close to standing me up as you can get, Kevin. Whatever. I'm free all of tonight, if it matters to you."_

×

Kevin woke up without ever being asleep. Slowly, quietly. He moved through his room as though it was filled with water, looking for his phone at half-speed.

Thea picked up on the fourth ring. Kevin could almost see her hesitate.

"Hey," she greeted, downcast.

"I'm so sorry," he told her. "I didn't- I don't... I don't have a good excuse. I'm just sorry."

Fortunately, Thea knew him better than that. "Facetime me?"

So they did. Kevin didn't think to check how he looked before he picked up the call. It didn't really matter to him anyway - Thea was _there_. No make-up, natural coily hair, in her sweats... _gorgeous._

Though he didn't see it, Kevin's eyes were rimmed red and skin was paler than his usual naturally sunkissed tan. His hair was a mess from the pulling and mussing of his meltdown. Thea, obviously, saw all of this.

"Are you high?" She asked, hinting at a smile.

Kevin ducked his head. "No," he grinned. "I forgot I had counselling today. Usually it's okay but this... It was harsh."

Of course, Thea asked what had happened. Of course, Kevin explained. He felt like a child, complaining to a teacher that he was being bullied by the popular kids on the playground. He itched for a drink, but thought better of it, seeing Thea in front of him. Unconsciously, he rubbed his thumb against the back of his hand.

"It's not a big deal," he hedged. "I mean, I was just overreacting. I'm pretty sure Bee's getting sick of it."

Thea was quiet. _Did the call freeze?_

"Wasn't Bee the one saying you had complex trauma?" Thea reminded him. "And didn't she say that no one was gonna judge you for that?"

Kevin switched from gently rubbing his hands to itching at his skin. "Well, yeah, but-"

"So, hang on a second - does that not suggest that maybe you genuinely have mental health issues?"

"Yeah, but their not a big deal."

"That's what Andrew told you."

"True, but-"

"So, the problem is not that you're overreacting. The problem is that you've been told that you're overreacting and you no longer believe you have problems worth looking at."

A warm, wet feeling on his hands startled him from the conversation. He had broken his skin. He was bleeding.

"Shit, uh." He pulled a tissue out from under his bed and tried to stop it. "Sorry, um. No, yeah. You're probably right."

The damage wasn't visible on camera. Thea worried. "What? What happened?" She asked.

"I'm bleeding. Fuck. I scratched one of my scars open."

"Kevin..." She breathed, not faltering in concern. "Baby, get a face towel and a first-aid kit. Stay on the call, I don't want you to be alone."

Kevin felt that same laughter from Bee's office rise in him again. "I'm used to it, don't worry."

But Thea did. She always did.

×

Practices were boring. Kevin couldn't bring himself to stay present anymore. He stayed on the sidelines and let the sounds wash over him like the tide, ignoring Wymack's efforts to speak to him.

Bee had called for Kevin to be taken out of gameplay for a week, at least. He was volatile and dissociated, barely registering the passing of time as days dragged on and on and on...

On Monday, he had spent the entire practice in the bleachers, day-dreaming about a holiday with Thea to somewhere far, far away.

On Tuesday, he did much the same, only this tkme he wore headphones so he didn't have to listen to the comments he was getting about 'being a hypocrite' or a 'fucking liability'.

On Wednesday, he watched warm-ups from the sidelinesn, but called it quits after the team ran drills. He skipped his appointment with Bee. He ended up at the beach.

On Thursday, he stopped showing up. No one seemed to complain.

×

The first day of the next week, Kevin rolled over in his bed, gripped the edge of his nightstand, and vomited onto the floor.

" _Fuck_ ," he gasped, desperately curbing his urge to call out for Riko. In all his time at Palmetto State, he hadn't been sick outside of a drunken night and gruesome hangover. Before, Riko would have kicked him until there was nothing left to throw up. Now, he was stranded in his room, unconsciously pressing his fists into his abdomen, trying to throw up again.

"Kevin, you're _going_ to practice!" Neil called through the door. The idea of doing exercise made black spots dance in Kevin's vision. "Come on, get up!"

Try as he did, Kevin couldn't make his limbs move. His body was over-heating and weak, shaking. Nothing made sense. The room spun.

"Kev-" Neil repeated, bursting through the door. His eyes landed on Kevin. " _Shit._ "

"S'okay," Kevin mumbled.

"Shut up."

"'M fine."

Kevin only closed his eyes for a moment, he thought, but when he opened them again, the floor was clean and there was a post-it note on his forehead (which, by the way, felt as though it had been punched).

_Gone to practice. Wymack will see you later._

It was written in Andrew's neat, unlinked handwriting, which explained why his head hurt. A groan escaped Kevin. Did this have to happen today? Couldn't he have gone to just _one_ practice?

His stomach lurched again. He gripped the nightstand warily.

"Kid?" Wymack called through the door. "Hey, you okay?"

Where Kevin tried to respond, he threw up.

"Yeah," he lied anyway, because Kevin was nothing if not consistent.

Fortunately, there was a bucket there this time. Wymack stepped inside and sighed.

He sat on the edge of Kevin's bed and placed a hand on his son's back. Kevin could already hear the speech that was about to happen, but his head was spinning too much to stop it from happening.

"We lost the game," Wymack told him, as though Kevin hadn't recieved a verbal bashing from Josten about it. "We're out of the championships. No more games."

Being on autopilot was awful. Kevin knew all of this, but he didn't _want_ to. He'd ruined his team's chances at another national title. Thinking about this, he threw up again.

"Jesus, kid," Wymack grimaced. "Don't you see what's causing this? You're spiralling. Badly." He paused. "Bee had to tell me about what happened in your appointment. I've never heard of you doing that before."

It was almost like Thea was in the room; _That's because he's been forced to ignore it by the people he's supposed to call family._

"You don't have to tell me what's going on," Wymack said to the thin air between the two of them. "Don't sit on it, though. You hear me? If I can do something-"

"Shut them up," Kevin whispered. Wymack frowned. "When they taunt me for grieving Riko and when they talk about how _fucked in the head_ I am, shut them up. Make it stop. _Please_ , make it stop."

Kevin didn't mean to beg, nor cry, but both of those happened before he could think better of it. He felt his body sieze up and rigidly wiped the sobless tears off his face.

There was no response from Wymack. Only a sorry look that Kevin mistook for horror.

×

_"Hey, it's me. Thea. I'm in the airport right now. Your da- uh, Wymack is picking me up. He said you might be kind of out of it and... I just wanted to call you. Give you some warning. I guess you won't get this, but...yeah, anyway. See you soon. Love you."_

_×_

There was broken glass on the floor and the faint echo of Kevin's screams running around his own head. He sat with his back against the locked door and tried to remember what had set him off.

Andrew...said something. It was about Riko- no, someone else. Kevin's chest was hollow with grief, so it had to be his mother, right?

There was nothing left of Kevin. No more words, no more thoughts. Just the memory of his own self-destruction, the evidence all over the carpet and in the skin of his ankle.

Someone knocked on his door, tried to open it. Of course, it didn't work. The barricade was too stubborn.

"Kev," Thea said, sitting against the other side. "It's Thea." Kevin could hear her smile when she said: "Surprise."

Thea.

Kevin loved Thea. Why was he holding the door shut? He missed her. He wanted her.

"I heard what happened," she went on. Her voice had the same effect as music. Lulling. Peace. "Andrew's getting his ass handed to him. He isn't here anymore. Let me in?"

The glass on the floor gleamed under the industrial grade light. If Thea walked in here, she would surely get hurt. Kevin couldn't let that happen, no. He wasn't going to hurt her again.

"Tell me you're safe," she whispered. "Please, Kevin. _Please_."

He took a deep breath. His throat was still raw. "I'm bleeding," he admitted. "There's glass on the floor. You can't come in."

"But you can come out." She was worried. Kevin could hear it. "It's safe. I'm right here. I will protect you. Kevin, you can't just lock the door and hurt yourself and expect me not to care."

He mulled that over. The blood was trickling out of his ankle at a slow pace, it wasn't much. It woumd need stitches, but he knew how to do those. Too many years with Riko.

It was like Thea was right in front of him: _Do you still believe that you aren't suffering? Does this not scream severe trauma?_

Only, she _had_ said that. Kevin just hadn't been present for it. He didn't know how much time had passed, but he knew the Thea was still there.

Without speaking, he stood up and unlocked the door.

When he opened it, Thea was standing, too, only just shorter than him. No makeup, natural coily hair, in her sweats. _Thea_.

She embraced him fiercely, which made the wound on his ankle ache. He didn't care. He held her just as tightly and breathed deeply, trying to hold himself together.

"I missed you so much," he whispered. She smelled of floral soap and coconut oil.

"I missed you, too," she replied.

"I need to fix my ankle."

Thea pulled away to examine it and gave Kevin a tight, almost reassuring smile. "Okay."

×

Kevin went to counselling again the next day, having spent the night watching cartoons sharing conversation with Thea. He felt like he'd woken up, though he'd only just managed to get out of the dorm to get to his appointment. Part of him worried that he'd left Thea to the wolves, trapped back at the dorm with the rest of the team. Part of him feared that she would realise, while he was gone, how lame and hopeless Kevin was andbwas already planning to break up with him.

(Another more reasonable part of Kevin knew that she'd likely already left the dorm to go to the campus café. This part of him was almost undetectable.)

"It's good to see you, Kevin," Bee greeted pleasantly. She was already pouring him a cup of tea. "You weren't here last week. Why was that?"

"Sorry," he murmured. "I wasn't feeling great."

Bee gave a tight smile. Kevin was getting a lot of those lately. "I'm a counsellor, Kevin. I'm here to _help_ with that."

The way she smiled, Kevin realised, was similar to what he remembered of his mom. It was on the verge of teasing and wholly comforting. Looking at Bee, Kevin couldn't help but remember Kayleigh Day.

Andrew had said something about her. That was why Kevin was upset.

He couldn't remember what it was until then.

"Do you think my mom really loved me?" He asked. "Andrew said she didn't. He said she just liked having me there as a bargaining chip."

For what it was worth, Bee looked downcast. "I didn't take it very well," Kevin continued. "It wasn't a good day. Andrew wouldn't _stop_. He kept saying that I was just a selling point for my mom. I mean, she pretty much sold me to the Yakuza, so I guess he had a point, but- who says that? Who tells someone that they meant _nothing_ to the first person that ever loved them? My mom was the only who loved me for a long time and Andrew took all of that security away in just 5 minutes. The team _supported_ him. Do I mean anything? To anyone? They only seem to care when I'm not there."

Bee looked lost. Counsellor's usually don't let their patients know what they're thinking straight away, but on that day, Bee wasn't looking at Kevin like she knew what to say. The room was blank.

"How does that make him better than Riko?" Kevin asked, wondering if Bee would give him an answer.

She didn't.

×

The Palmetto State coffee house was terrible. The coffee was always burnt and the cabinet food was ratchet. The only saving grace to it was the mezzanine that was set up with couches and tables and a climate controller. Kevin spotted Thea with a small sigh of relief, sitting with an untouched iced coffee and a half-empty juice.

"Hey!" She greeted him, the thrill of being _with_ each other having still not worn off. Kevin tried to match that enthusiasm, but the light didn't quite reach his eyes. Thea's face fell into it's usual groove concern (which concerened Kevin, who was now feeling like a charity case). "How was it?"

Kevin leaned down and gave Thea a quick hug, enjoying the new level of PDA he'd become comfortable with. Plus, it was a warm and welcome comfort to the almost entirely silent hour he'd just had. "Bee's only human," Kevin prefaced. "She didn't have a lot of answers today."

The summary made Thea look uncomfortable. Kevin picked up the coffee and raised his eyebrows. _What?_

Thea made a face. _Oh, you know._

Kevin frowned. _No, I don't._

Thea sighed sharply. "I don't think you should live at Fox Tower," she admitted. "I don't think it's good for you to be around those guys right now. At least for a week."

Kevin sipped his coffee. Of course, Thea had a point, but Kevin didn't want to draw any more negative attention to himself. He figured there was a clear priority there. It was easy to avoid looking at it.

" _Listen_ ," Thea stressed. "Stay with me for a while. You have no games, barely any practices, and exams end this week. Spend at least some of your break with me."

The ocean. Kevin let his mind wander there. He thought of Thea, with the orange bikini she'd shown over videochat, in the sun, near the water. He thought about spending Christmas in the sun, eating berries and drinking Rosé. He thought about somewhere far, far away.

"How about we go on a overseas?" He suggested. "I know it's last minute, but surely there'll be something."

Thea smiled. Slowly and consuming. "Where did you have in mind?"

×

Kevin didn't tell anyone he was leaving. He moved in with Thea for a short time and three weeks after that conversation in the café, the two of them left the country for all of a month. It was expensive, but Kevin was still burning inheritance funds he'd received from over the years, and Thea was on a professional Exy player's salary - a _successful_ one, at that.

New Zealand was as far away as Kevin could think. His mom had always talked about going there one day. She talked about it like it was paradise.

Landing in Hamilton Airport, Kevin had second thoughts. There was no security checks, no customs, nothing. He and Thea had shared a look, but it was quickly resolved with laughter. Real, genuine laughter.

They hired a car and drove for an hour through industrial townships and past blocks of student flats, until the winding road that was cut into the side of a mountain delivered them to Raglan. A quaint beach town with humble stores and a colony of beach houses.

"Oh my god," Thea mumbled, hoppjng out of the car and looking across the water. It was blue, clear blue, and wound around the islands that surrounded the township.

Kevin hugged Thea from behind. "Do you like it?" He asked.

Thea grinned.

The house they were renting had a spa pool that looked out to the water, which excited Thea to no end. There were cookbooks and itinerary suggestions inside, and instructions on what to do if a certain stray cat named Monty came by ( _"Feed him! He's friendly and we want him to stick around."_ )

Their first night consisted of drinking wine until they were stupid and eating cherries that seemed to be sold on the roadside every half an hour along their journey to Raglan. They stargazed in the spa pool, mapping out the contours of the Milky Way (which Thea was freaking out about -this was when she admitted to being an absolute space nerd), until the stumbled back inside and shared lazy drunken kisses in bed.

On Christmas, they made homemade fish and chips, per locals advice, and ate them at the beach. Much champagne was consumed that night.

On New Year's Eve, they shared a reasonable glass or two of Rosé to accompany seafood canopés and a variety of sweet fruits, vowed sobriety for the year to come. They kissed at midnight and wished they weren't ever going home.

Thea hadn't let any day go undocumented. Even the days they spent lazing in the sun and dozing mid-afternoon were full of pictures and videos that she kept as a reminder of brighter times.

"For when we spiral," she explained to Kevin one night, hands tracing over his bare torso. "To remind us that there's a place where we can be at peace. Happy, you know?"

"In New Zealand?" Kevin asked.

"Anywhere," Thea corrected him, "as long as we have each other."

The time they spent away was a welcome contrast to the lives they'd put on pause. Carefree, relaxed, like they were finally catching up with a world that had spun too fast for them. All the while though, Kevin was just glad to finally trust the ground to hold him as he stood. He watched the final sunset on the beach, next to Thea. The orange of her bikini was lighting up the sky around the island. He saw the colours, warm and smooth, surround Thea and make her glow, and exhaled. 

Somewhere he could be happy. Right by her side.

×

When Kevin got back to Palmetto, having had to leave Thea in Texas, he was met with gawking stares and questioning looks. It might have had something to do with the tan he'd accidentally developed in Raglan - he looked more like Wymack than ever. It might have also been because he had disappeared for 2 months without notice. Really, who could tell?

His room was orderly. It always had been, but this was different. On any other day, hemkight have worried that he'd been kicked out. Now, he just thought it was convenient; his bags were already packed.

Still he shut the door and flopped onto his bed - if it _was_ his bed - letting the jetlag catch up with him. He still saw the warm Summer skies on Thea's skin and tasted the champagne in his mouth. He finally felt like he could let the world hold him for a bit. _Relaxed_.

_From - Wymack: Heard you were back._

_To - Wymack: yeah. am i being kicked out of the dorm? please say yes_

_From - Wymack: Nice try. No. Andrew organised it for you. Take it as an apology._

_To - Wymack: i'll think about it_

Turning his phone off had never been so easy.

×

Four o'clock in the morning, Andrew crept into Kevin's room.

He must have thought Kevin was asleep as he climbed up and claimed the top bunk. This, however, was incorrect, as Kevin watched the whole ordeal go down (including when Andrew slipped down a ladder rung and hissed out a quiet _shit!_ ).

"Andrew?" Kevin asked.

The bed stopped shifting. "Go to sleep," Andrew replied quietly.

"Jet-lagged," Kevin supplied. "Why aren't you asleep?"

Pause. "I was...thinking about you. Where did you go?"

"New Zealand. Thinking about me?"

Andrew all but threw his head over the side of the bunk. "The hell are you running off to New Zealand for?"

Kevin leaned up so he was in Andrew's face. "It's probably something parallel to why you're awake, in here, as opposed to being asleep with your boyfriend."

For the first time since Kevin had known him, Andrew retracted.

"Thank you for organising my room," Kevin murmured, just loud enough for Andrew to hear it.

"S'okay," Andrew replied, just as quiet. Then, quieter: "Sorry I said that stuff about your mom."

Kevin smiled.

"And for bullying you."

The smile faltered a bit.

"And for occassionally stealing your pillows when mine get flat."

"Wait, wha-?"

"I thought about what you said. About me and Riko. I mean, I'm not as extreme as Riko, and like I said before, I don't have a narcissism issue, but... I ranked you second best or worse. Always. The Foxes know that you're the best out of all of us. Even Josten. It makes us forget that you're a Fox for a reason. I'm sorry. I was the the one that cultivated that."

Idly, Kevin wondered if Andrew was crying, or if his voice just sounded like that sometimes.

"It's not weak of you to be Stockholmed," Andrew went on. "It's fucking impressive that you haven't given up. It's just...how could you love Riko? Ever? _Now?_ "

Kevin swallowed thickly. "Because by his side was the only place I really felt like I belonged," he explained. "I didn't expect open arms when I got to the Foxes, truly, but I also didn't expect to be such an outcast. If Riko were there, it would have been easier. He saw something in me - hope, friendship, profit, whatever - and no one else had done that since my mom. When I got here... I mean, I know I'm an asshole sometimes, but it was worse, being alone."

The room was silent.

"Oh," Andrew said.

"Yeah."

Then Andrew was hopping down from the top bunk and climbing over Kevin to lay beside the striker, nack pressed against the wall, cheeks glistening ever slightly.

"I didn't realise it until you left," Andrew mumbled, "but I hate not having you around. It feels wrong."

Kevin smiled. "Missed you, too."

The two of them fell asleep, not touching, and woke up late. No one spoke about the past three months and no one asked why Andrew was in Kevin's room. It was put down to rumours and urban legend.


End file.
